Hello again.
I’ve been being selfish in self-care so I haven’t written on here for a little while.
What do people do with all their thoughts who don’t have a newsletter, blog, or social media accounts? Do they just talk all the time? To themselves, to their families, to strangers on the street?
I ask this because I’ve recently been thinking, musing if you will - after all this is called ‘Marjorie’s Musings’, and I realised anew that as human beings we spend most of our lives alone, in our heads.
We create our reality from what we consume (visually, socially and with natural foods), and according to some studies we spend about 50% of our time ‘mind wandering’.
On my recent wanderings I have wondered about many things including a podcast I listened to recently (find it here: Young Again - Daniel Kaluuya 29m). In this episode, Daniel Kaluuya talks about how he manages his life, and the fame his acting has brought to his life.
Kirsty Young asks him, “How does the role model thing sit with you?”
Kaluuya responds, “It’s that two part quote, ‘Role is something you play, model is something you make, both are fake. So I kinda move like that.’”
He muses that the advice he would give his younger self is, “Say what’s on your mind and be honest. Just say it. I did what was on my mind, I didn’t say it. In some respects it did help me. But, just be honest, man. Keep it real.”
Good advice for all I think.
I’ve been trying it for a few decades. I admit now that I took too long to exercise this means of self care. But in this respect I think some action today is better than a weak wish or promise for tomorrow.
It’s not the easiest way to navigate life if you were bought up to be a people pleaser, and a peace keeper.
However, if you are always pleasing other people, and not yourself, and if you are creating peace for others, but manufacturing a war zone in your own mind, then it’s time to stop that and start implementing healthy habits in your own life, where you know you want it to be better, because after all you spend most of your life in your head, and you can’t really trick your own mind into thinking that you are looking after yourself when you know you aren’t - that way bad mental health lies.
Another good series to listen to is Life Changing with Dr Sian Williams. Try the following episode ‘Bluebells on Bunny Hill’:
‘In a children’s home in 1959, a unique friendship is forged — then cruelly ended. When Alan and Irene met in 1959, their connection was instant. The two isolated children aged just seven and nine found warmth and kindness in each other in a children’s home that was unwelcoming and strict.’
I have this piece of advice that I frequently share with people:
“Say ‘yes’ to yourself more often. This may mean that you have to say ‘no’ to others, and that’s OK. Remember, when you always make the choice to say ‘yes’ to others instead of yourself, you invariable tell yourself that you and your wants and desires matter less. Think about it. Be healthily selfish in self care.”
You too may need help, rest, and alone time - or whatever it is to recalibrate from the physical, emotional, and social burnout that may be on your horizon. It’s OK to be selfish in self-care.
So, with all this living in our individual heads, sometimes we have to find a voice, or like Daniel Kaluuya, take the action and be real about what’s on your mind:
“Say what’s on your mind and be honest. Just say it. I did what was on my mind, I didn’t say it. In some respects it did help me. But, just be honest, man. Keep it real.”
Ah, you’ve made it this far.
In line with what I’ve said about honesty I have a confession, well a revelation of a kind to some of you.
I’ve been a runner for most of my life. I don’t physically run now because of … all sorts of reasons like my age and health, but I’m still an emotional runner.
Let me explain.
When I was 13 I was already good at running, and I loved it.
I was so good at it, I came first in the 13-15 years age group in the local area senior schools’ sports.
I don’t believe I understood at that age some of the reasons why I ran, but I do remember a sense of joy being able to be first and best at something, to be in front of the group, to be away from the crowd, to be out there on my own, with my own thoughts and nothing else.
I’ve strived to keep those elements in my life for decades, and even when I no longer ran for the school, I kept running. I kept excelling at almost everything I put my mind to.
What I realised many years ago was that I was also running emotionally, away from people and situations.
I’d got into the habit of not wanting to cause any conflict, or address the situation in front of me, so I would run... away from confrontation.
Sometimes (many times!) I would move jobs and homes to avoid conflict and also change myself, my appearance to avoid myself and others (see Weighty Issues where I discuss the physical and mental weight of self-esteem issues), I just kept running.
I zigzagged the country and the world many times in this exercise.
Now, I have become a little wiser, and a lot older, and I’m less inclined to get up and run away, but there’s always a twinge in the back of my mind somewhere. What if I’m not good enough for … (fill in with your own thoughts), and then I’d want to revert to type and run again.
I even wrote a poem about running away from myself. I’ll share a portion below (I was young! Bear that in mind when you read it).
What I eventually learnt was that I’m always there wherever I go.
It’s hard to accept oneself sometimes, to sit in the silence (or noise) of one’s own mind, but it is something that we have to do at some stage because we spend so much time alone with ourselves.
I’ve hung up my (emotional) running shoes now, and I’d suggest that others do the same.
Give yourself a chance to know yourself, and learn to love yourself.
Stop running, and sit with your thoughts. You may be pleasantly surprised at who you really are.
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Sitting still, and just being, in that place called mind, is something I enjoy…but recently, I’ve been running away via YouTube. That’s because I’m worried.
Your essay reminds me that to stop worrying, I must get back into my mind, my creative mind; also, I must write in my notebooks. That’s where I tap into my thoughts, Marjorie.
I love the analogy of running, how you develop it.